I am excited and I am scared and I am anxious.
I am stuck in a state of mixed despondency, despair, unhappiness, and perspective.
I can feel myself withdrawing from everything that matters in search of everything that matters. It’s an endless loop. Enjoyment is the point, but the point is not enjoyment. The point is to succeed.
And the excitement rushes back into my skull. So many possibilities, so many chances to succeed and so many chances to fail and pick myself up again.
This is the point.
And I can feel myself withdrawing back into my carapace and shutting myself off from my friends.
And I feel bad, but they don’t understand. That’s their problem. They just don’t understand the point of it all.
Things are finally becoming clear to me. Too many things. And with the clarity comes incredible confusion. Wonderful confusion that grabs ahold of me and throws me in the direction of self-improvement.
I feel wonderfully alive.
It is my personal imperative to impact the world that we live. The meaning of life is to share it, and that’s all I want to do. I will share it and I will impact it with the force of a freight train. This world will be so enveloped by my fuel that if someone struck a match it would all go up in wondrous flames. It is my personal imperative to burn the world.
Figuratively. Always figuratively.
While meanwhile there’s a whole nother part of me just going through the motions, just doing what it has to to get to the next day. Sunrise, sunset, and nothing changes.
I feel terribly deceased.
I am only half alive, but there’s still a chance, and I could keep going on the way I am, but the world will never burn this way.
It may flicker and fizzle out, but it will never truly burn that white-hot, intense heat that it must for me to be sure I have done my job here.
I will resurrect myself, and I will begin my ascent, and when the kindle is burning nicely, I will throw on the logs of my complete planetal permeation.
And then I will leave, leaving behind nothing but a ball of bright orange flame.
Isn’t that what I’ve always done before?
